My transformation is not dramatic at all to most people, to the point that I almost scolded myself for even wanting to answer this, but I need a distraction right now and also I feel it says something about unhealthy eating habits and how just being thin won’t make you happy.
This was me at my heaviest 2 years ago. I was only about 125lbs but I have a really small frame and a year prior to this I was 99lbs and spent most of my life underweight so it was a dramatic difference. I didn’t really notice for a while that I’d gained weight, but once I did, it was all I thought about. I think I noticed because my mom pointed it out, saying I’d gained weight and had a “badonkadonk.” I won’t get into too many details but despite everyone telling me I looked normal, I felt disgusting and so self conscious that I spent the next several months starving myself until I was happily underweight again. I’d also like to point out that, aside from my disgust with myself, this was actually the happiest I’ve been in my entire life.
This was me exactly a year later, pretty fucking miserable, but skinny.
This is me right this second. 98lbs as of yesterday, the most underweight I’ve been since high school or before. I don’t even know how that happened, I don’t know why I’m not eating I’m not doing it on purpose. I don’t even know how to describe my current relationship with food. I have impulse problems so I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but I also have appetite issues probably from all the starving myself (intentional or not) whenever the scale gets too high. Today I ate a cookie for breakfast at like 3pm and not even a full plate of spaghetti. That’s it. I’m so hungry yet feeling repulsed by food. Emotional probs 101.
It scares me. I don’t want to lose any more weight, I want to gain it. I don’t like being called an “anorexic looking ass bitch,” I don’t like feeling my pelvis as it rudely protrudes through my skin, but as soon as I start to gain weight I freak out and stop eating. I still look at myself and think I need to stop eating even though in my head I KNOW I need to gain weight. I feel like shit because I’ve got this war going on in my head. “You’re too skinny, you need to gain weight, no one likes people who are as skinny as you…” but then “look at what you looked like when you gained weight. You were disgusting, fat, no one will want you then, either.” Then I just get depressed and either stop eating out of sadness or eat my feelings, and the cycle continues. I have no idea how to break it, or how to just be happy with how I look, whatever that may look like.
I just wish people didn’t put such an importance on weight. Like, everyone just looks different naturally and everyone argues about ideal body types, everywhere. I’ve seen posts about how both having rolls or not having rolls isn’t attractive. It makes me upset because these things really get into people’s heads, and people starve themselves until they die, or make other people feel like shit because they have a high metabolism and can’t gain weight. I just wish society wasn’t so goddamn conditioned to focus so much on body type and weight, it’s fkd....
Edit: I’d also like to include that the phenomenon of societal body standards doesn’t just impact women. It’s less talked about with men, but still very present. Particularly the pressure men feel to be big and muscular or they’re “not a man.” Posting about how it’s not attractive unless a man is fit and has abs or muscles can be just as detrimental as posting that women aren’t attractive because they have rolls or cellulite.
Thanks for Reading 🙏🙏🙏
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